i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize