Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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