Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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