Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Randomize