At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
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