I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
