I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
