sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize