Betty ford says i'm here all night
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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