It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize