I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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