My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
