i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
