i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
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