Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
