Will you blow on my dice?
You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
