she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
