...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
