I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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