I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I think a kid would responsible me up
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
