can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
