in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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