I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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