The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize
