it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I'm having to shit out rocks
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
