It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
