Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
