Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Randomize
