if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Randomize
