Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
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