you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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