I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
