Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
