i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
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