She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
