Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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