Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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