i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
