just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
