last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
we're so committed to being not committed
I deserve this hangover.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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