Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
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