you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
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