Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
