i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Randomize
