soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
