Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
