Hey man sorry I got all grabby
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
