He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
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