well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
two words: eviction party
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
