She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
