Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
My liver just had a heart attack.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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