I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
