I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
