my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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