I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Randomize
