I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
