Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
