I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Randomize
